Hard goodbyes

“I will be by your gate in 5 minutes time, so get ready”, he said. “Okay, I’ll see you”, I responded and we both hung up the call. It had been long since we last met. His excuses were work pressures. At first I would express how much I needed his attention too but no matter how much he would apologize and promise to make some efforts, he just didn’t change. I had to understand that we were never going back to the first days and experience that vibe we had. Things had changed, he had changed and I also had to change.

That seemed fair enough. He called, saying he wanted to take me for a spin. Somehow he knew I liked going for spins, especially at dawn when the sun sets and the sky gets darker. In 5 minutes time, he arrived. Like a gentleman he always had been, he got out of the car, came and greeted me. He opened the door for me on the front seat and closed it. He got in the driver’s seat and turned up the music then drove heading to the west. “I downloaded all the music on this flash for you”, he said. “For real? Ohh thank you, I love me some Fergie”, I answered as I turned up the volume. The song playing was “Big girls don’t cry” and I so much loved it. I sang along to every word as the song played. Seat belt on, I had my feet on the seat with legs folded. I sang, moved a bit, can’t say I was dancing, had my hands moving too. He just sat there driving, looking at me and smiling. I know he loved the sight of me singing happily and dancing.

I was his favorite show. He drove for about 15 minutes at a 120km/hr speed. Damn, this is why I love Audi A4, the speed was thrilling and we arrived at our spot in less time than it would take if we had used other cars. Soon as we arrived, he switched the radio off so we could have a moment. “How’ve you been?” He asked. “Been okay, you?” “Fine just tied up with work. I hope you understand…” “I do, I totally understand”. “Come here, I miss those lips”. He was moving towards me, I moved towards him too. He held my chin and looked at me. I smiled. He kissed me, one hand moving up my cheek holding onto me tightly. I could feel his other hand on my thigh moving up slowly. I had my hand pressed up against his chest like I was pushing him away from me. In the middle of the kiss, I smiled and he stopped.

He moved backwards and looked at me smiling too. “What’s wrong, Flo?” “Ummm nothing, nothing really.” “It can’t be nothing, I think there’s something you wanna share”, he said. I really wanted to let this slide but I guess I just couldn’t. I mean, in a long time, he had been the only guy who could get my motor fired up. He had a certain effect on me, which I couldn’t resist but oh well, I was feeling I had to stop giving in to his advances and consider my feelings too. “Okay, I can’t stop wondering what really are we doing?” “What do you mean?” He sat laid back and was staring at the steering. “I mean, we need to break this cycle. You reach out to me when you need me and I hop up. But when I need you, you will always tell me you are busy, your work schedule is tight and so forth. Then you say you’re sorry and I avail myself to you when you get free again. We can’t go on like this.” “Flo, I thought you understood me” “Yes I do, it’s just that I feel this is not fair for me” “Okay. Babe, I told you before, if you find someone else and you wanna get serious with them, I will not tie you down. It’s just that I need you yes but currently I cannot provide all the attention you may need. I am in a phase where I cannot guarantee you anything”, he said. His words sliced me like the first time he said them to me.

Why am I even holding onto hopes that things may change in the future with him, when his words hurt me deep. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply then said, “Honey, I don’t think that’s gonna work. I cannot move on long as you are in my life. You said I must let in other guys in my life but as long as you are here I will use you as a yardstick to measure if any guy who comes to me is fit to be in my life. You have your standards which I like but no1 else has them. So when I meet another guy yet I know you are in my life, they all will not match up to those standards and I will always be here for you yet you cannot commit to me”. I paused and looked straight in his eyes, hand pressed on his arm. “I like you, I really do but we should stop this. At least for me”. “Ohh I see, I understand you”. He answered back. Silence reigned for some minutes. We just sat still. I was questioning myself if I was going to be okay with my decision. Well, I had to be. After some minutes of silence, I checked the time on my fon. “Can we go back home now?” I said. Seemed we had nothing more to say or do so going back home seemed the only reasonable thing to do. He drove back home, slower than before. This time he had the radio off.

We didn’t say anything all the way till we reached my home. He parked the car close to the gate, got out and came to open my door. We hugged tight and he whispered, “Flo, I will always have hots for you”. His voice, his scent, his embrace, I don’t know which one exactly got me feeling at ease. I didn’t want to let go. This was a decision I made but I knew it would take me days till I could understand and feel okay with it. I closed my eyes, tryna savour the moment and dropped a tear. We refrained and he looked at me. He wiped my tear and said “I’m not going anywhere you know that. If you wake up and feel you wanna get in touch with me, I will be there”. I smiled and said, “thank you”. Then I walked away headed to the gate. I could sense he was looking at me. I opened the gate, waved at him, he blew me a kiss and I smiled then closed the gate.