Eyes closed, I tried so hard not to think about him but I couldn’t. Found myself smiling yet dropping a tear at the memories I had in my mind. I remembered everything like it was just yesterday when we were together. How he held my hand as he ushered me into the house we would start our new chapter in. I remember he said that he had done his part on getting us a place to stay and I was the one to pick the furniture I wanted for our house. We giggled and he pulled me closer to his chest and hugged me before he kissed my forehead and whispered that he would always help if I needed the help.
That first night we slept on a foam mattress and had only one blanket. It was cold, I remember it so well but with his embrace I could not feel the cold. We slept on take outs since we had no pots or stove for us to prepare our meal. The house was soo empty, cold and the smell of paint was still strong.
“Promise me, babe”. He said.
I responded, “uh huh”.
“…that you won’t turn back from this path cause I can’t walk alone, I need you. I want to grow old with you.”
“Babe, look at me,” I said softly. “We are and will be together always. I promise you, I won’t turn back cause I love you Antony”.
“I love you more, Mrs Akino”. He said and kissed me on the lips. I remember I closed my eyes and prayed a little, thanking the Lord for giving me Antony.
He played a song by The Weekend on his phone and we danced while singing along “I can’t feel my face when Im with you but I love it…” He made fun of my dance moves saying I danced like a distant cousin of the Jacksons. I thought he was more of a fortified Usher on the dance floor. I smiled the more, at these memories.
I pulled up the hoodie of his jacket that I was wearing and covered my head with it. At least I know how it feels to be loved dearly, although he was called by the Lord so soon. I looked at his picture and asked myself how was I supposed to carry on alone.
I thought to myself that maybe God surely does play dice with us. All the promises we made, the dreams we had shared, plans and everything didn’t mean a thing now. Well, they could not come true now since I had been left all alone and my heart felt like a hollow place in which all I could hear were echoes of him telling me he loved me. And these memories felt poignant, even if I so wanted this to be a dream, I just couldn’t seem to wake up from it.
I found myself whispering, holding his picture in my hands, “Why did you have to go?”
I dropped a tear and shouted again, “Why!”
The feedback I got were echoes of my voice in the once again empty house, or was it my mind playing a replica of the sounds of emptiness I felt in my heart over his absence.
I placed the picture frame on my chest, closed my eyes and whispered, “I miss you, my love”.
The death of a beloved is an amputationC.S. Lewis